Beauty in the Suffering

During my long-term marriage I was on autopilot to please others and to put myself last. I’m sure many women can relate to this. For me, I found mental illness in others creates a need, and often demand, that is never satisfied. Or, it leaves you feeling neglected and unvalued.

Loving them becomes a vicious cycle of ups and downs you can’t escape from without education on how to set boundaries, or how to not take it personally. I had no boundaries and I was taking it all too personally. I tried to devote my heart to all those who needed me, but I admit, resentment lived within me. I was depleted and no one seemed to care. And of all the people in my life that needed, or demanded my attention, my two amazing sons were by far the easiest relationships to live with. And though I was always strong for them, they had no idea that they were strength for me.

When my sons were young adults and no longer needed me so much, I had a life altering injury combined with an illness, then surgery. I became useless to everyone and soon shame and guilt followed as I quickly learned that I was of no value to others if I couldn’t be who I used to be. This was devastating to my mental and emotional health, which made healing my body even more challenging and ultimately ended my marriage. I was left with what I believed to be a truth I couldn’t ignore. I either had to save my marriage, or save my myself. I didn’t have the health or strength to do both. And when my husband told me I needed to leave because I was nothing but an empty shell of who I used to be, I chose myself. And I left the day after and became unwilling to look back. I even felt like I left God behind because he seemed to have never bothered to rescue me from the madness.

On my own, I was able to go through the motions of navigating life, but the roommate inside my head kept telling me that who I was and whatever I did, was never going to be enough. If I failed at all that I offered to others, without being loved in return, then I truly must be a failure. I often bought into that lie and the lie that I will never be loved or wanted by a man and most certainly never seen as beautiful or sexy. I was a complete wreck mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. And yet, I looked normal on the outside.

No one truly knew the magnitude of my inner destruction. And I worked hard to keep it a secret. I didn’t expect myself to ever be in a position where I hit a rock bottom such as this, but I found it. Curled up at the bottom of my shower deeply mourning the strong and cheerful girl I used to be, with no clue how to find her again. As I turned back to God and prayed for answers for all the wreckage in my life, to my surprise I received one clear response. I had never in my life been one to feel like a victim, but here I was asking God, no, I was begging him to help me make sense of why this was happening. And my voice choked when I asked aloud, why me? I had tried to do everything right, please everyone, give so much of my time, my heart, my resources. So why was my life turned so upside down? Why are all the selfish people still walking around robbing everyone of their joy and energy?

My own thoughts quickly showed me that I too, had become selfish as if I expected some form of payout for all that I had done for them. Then, with a rare moment when God chooses to provide a crystal clear and gentle answer, I heard this, “If I had healed you quickly, you would have just gone right back into the fray.” The truth of that message was so clear, not to mention that I never use the word “fray”. Had I healed quickly, I would have been expected to show up for everyone just as before. I had been conditioned to be there no matter how much I didn’t want to, and even when I knew I was enabling more bad behavior. I was allowing the tearing of my own soul because I didn’t have boundaries, and I lived with heavy obligation I didn’t turn away from. I loved those I tried to help and I believed I could. So, why was I the one being punished? Surely, my selfish thoughts of wanting to be seen as some sort of hero were not worse than those I was trying to help.

So, I sunk down deep into the words I had just heard trying to make sense of them and this was when I realized that God was not punishing me, he was rescuing me. My healing needed time, and a lot of it, so by the time I was well again, those who needed and exhausted me had figured out how to get along without me. This was when I began to see the beauty in my suffering and I was finally free to reshape my future into something more peaceful. Hearing those words that God was for me and not against me gave me the strength to find my way again. But, I not only had to heal physically, I had to educate myself about the damage done to my mind and learn how to unwind from it. I read many self-help books, but the ones that stood out to me most included science of the brain.

This helped me to better understand why it was so hard to shake off my low self-esteem and what my brain needed to begin to live with positivity. But, science also wasn’t enough for me. I knew without a doubt that I couldn’t do it without the grace of God and the tender love of Jesus to help me believe I was enough. Because at the time, I believed in the lies that took up residence in my mind. And when they have been there long enough, they sound like truths. Truths you can’t shake. But, science tells us that because of our brain’s neuroplasticity, which means it’s capability to learn and relearn, we can shake the lies. But, it was going to take practice and time. And with only two choices in front of me of either stay in this mental misery of negative beliefs, or try to reach for something better, I knew I had to move forward.

Through my educational discoveries of scripture, psychology and science, I began to see how much carnage I was having to clean up in my mind. I also learned how important it is to take responsibility for how we show up in this world. This included learning how to navigate toxic relationships so that they can never again cause so much collateral damage to my heart, mind and soul. But, most of the work was creating new internal beliefs about myself. And this was also what lead me to be able to forgive. When I no longer felt like I had to protect myself, I was able to feel safe in letting go. It was a painful process, but a worthwhile and beautiful journey. If I had to do it all over again, I would have aimed for forgiveness first and then worked on the healing, because I truly believe that so much healing takes place in the very act of forgiving. But at the time, I was just so wounded, overly protective and too confused by all that had happened to know how.

So, it became a process for me, as it may for you, as well. It is incredibly painful to not feel loved or wanted, and all the warm and fuzzy feelings that should go with, but we have a God that is great enough to show us how to overcome, so that we have an authentic capacity for compassion and empathy that this world needs. We all have been wounded to some degree and if none of us ever overcome, then perhaps this world won’t have beauty in it at all. We have to become participants in the journey to see the beauty and create more of it. If we aren’t careful, we then repeat the cycle of damage as the walking wounded often cause wounds to others. I knew I didn’t want to become one of them.

One of the most meaningful lessons I learned from my past, is to approach my relationships with authentic love and care, instead of working to please people. The difference is that unknowingly, working to please people is seeking validation for oneself, that can leave us with unfulfilled expectations. Approaching a relationship with authenticity, loves them regardless of what you receive from it. And this requires growing in knowing who you are and who you belong to as a daughter of a King, so you don’t look for validation elsewhere. In God we find our value and validation. No matter what you have been through, you are not invisible, you are not forgotten and you are relevant to God and to his purpose. I strongly believe that the broken who become healed are the greatest living proof of what God can do, which inspires others to believe and seek the same for themselves. We just have to be willing and open and take the words of the famous wise quote and scripture to heart. “Be the change you wish to see in this world.” And with Romans 12:2, “Do not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”

When we show up to do our part, God can do what he does best. Redeem and restore. I am so grateful for what my story has taught me and it is my hope that you feel encouraged to let go of what isn’t working for you and embrace the process of change. Start your own journey of healing with our loving Creator by taking responsibility to discover your own beautiful soul again. You are worth it. You are not alone. You will never be alone. So, look to your Heavenly Father, my beautiful sister, and learn how to free the roommate inside your head of the lies you’ve lived with. You are so much more! Stay faithful and embrace the beauty in the suffering because God is for you, not against you.