Loving with Respect

After years of never knowing what it was like to feel truly loved and always feeling like I couldn’t get anything right, or that I wasn’t enough no matter what I did, or didn’t do, I found it hard not to go into another relationship with that baggage. 

I didn’t take much to become anxious after the initial dating stage when I knew my exterior charm was only going to take me so far before someone got close enough to know the real me. Panic would take over and then my odd behaviors that made me look clingy, too willing to please, topped with the insecurity that I just couldn’t shake that I was going to be abandoned at any moment. I had experienced not only physical abandonment, but also mental and emotional. All of them left a lasting imprint on my mind and my heart with an incorrect message that something was wrong with me. But, I bought into the lie, hook, line and sinker.

It was exhausting trying to figure out who I was supposed to be for someone else. Especially when I didn’t even know who I wanted to be for myself. Eventually, I stopped dating. My confusing marriage made things hard enough to navigate the world of singlehood, but I began to believe it was no longer worth the effort to even put myself out there. Hitting what was my emotional rock bottom, I knew it was time to work on myself and nurture my heart and mind and find some much needed healing. 

So many of us try to find that piece of us that’s missing with someone else. Though we live in fear of being hurt again and can’t trust anyone, we still throw our whole being at them in hopes we get it right this time and then seemed surprised when we get hurt again. We then begin to believe that no one can be trusted and we lose faith in the idea of love. Some of us give up for good. I didn’t want to. But, I was at a complete loss to what real love looked like and my hope of finding it was hanging from a fragile tether.

Healing on my own was the best decision I ever made for myself. At first, I believed I just wasn’t enough for anyone so why bother being with anyone. But, as I did the mental work to heal, I began to believe it wasn’t that I wasn’t enough, it was that I wasn’t believing I wasn’t enough and I wasn’t loving others in a way that showcased who I was and what I was capable of. In others words, it was more about how I was showing up in the world, than who I was. This concept gave me a burst of hope that I needed and so the work began. It was hard, it was slow, but I could see progress and I was beginning to not only love myself, but also like myself. It felt like I was finding myself for the first time. And I like who I was. 

To truly love be loved, we must be willing to love others with a healthy and rounded perspective. And when our mind is too full of emotional memories that drive our negative behaviors, we can’t do that well. Being “ourselves” is not about behaving in any way that comes to mind, or saying anything that comes to mind and not expect a negative fallout of some kind or another. It’s behaving in a way that honors the respect we have for ourselves and for others. We can speak our mind with respect and be very effective. In fact, when we do, we are most likely more effective than when speaking without.

Respect at the forefront of all that we do, can help guide us on a path to authentic love and can highlight the areas where respect is not present, but should be. If we don’t respect ourselves, we allow others to disrespect us. If we don’t respect others, we can trigger disrespect in them. It goes both ways and when we honor others in a way that respects them, they are more able to respond with respect in return.

Respect helps us communicate with authenticity and kindness. Respects helps define our boundaries and hold to them. Respect makes others feel cared about and even loved. And when someone cannot respect us even when we show respect to them, we then know the imbalance is putting us in a position we may need to remove ourselves from. In other words, respect helps us see things more clearly and when we can see more clearly, we have better means to respond appropriately, which improves our chances of a more positive outcome. 

Self respect helps us override the insecurities. It’s like a beacon that guides us through the darkness and into the light. It is something we should never live without. It is a core foundation pillar we need to cultivate and never let go of. 

So, how do we learn to respect ourselves so that we can feel more respected by others?

Let’s start with asking ourselves some tough questions. If the answers are tough to swallow then maybe we need to pay attention to them. Starting with, am I behaving in a way that is getting negative results? Does it trigger disrespect in others? Does my behavior make me feel ashamed? Do I wish I didn’t do specific things, but don’t know how to stop? Or, do I expect others to accept whatever I want to say or do, even if negative fallout follows?

These are questions that we might want to take a look at. Not all the answers will mean that you don’t respect yourself or others, but they might be worth asking. And though we should feel the freedom to speak our mind, it may be in our delivery that could use an adjustment. Think about someone in your life who makes you feel respected when they speak to you. And then contrast that with someone who makes you feel disrespected when they speak to you, or how they treat you. Which person would you rather spend time with? And which person would you rather model after? 

We don’t have to give up who we are to please others, but wouldn’t it be nice to become known as someone who is honest and authentic AND makes others feel at ease when we are? And changing how we behave or speak doesn’t mean we are giving up who we are. Because those things aren’t “who” we are. They are “how” we are. And the “how” gives us something tangible to work with.

Once we know the “how”, we can make changes that moves us into a place in our life where we are living with respect for ourselves and for others and when we do, wonderful things begin to happen. Relationships become easier, we feel less stressed, we feel more peace, and more control in our life. And love has a better chance to blossom with someone who understands the same principles of respect. Because we’ll finally be able to recognize what respects looks like and feels like. And we’ll stop wasting our time with someone who doesn’t deserve us. Or, we’ll learn how to better navigate a challenging relationship. 

You are enough. You have always been. Learning to respect yourself by adjusting how you show up in this world can help you discover that you are indeed, enough. And stop allowing others to define this for you. It takes time to learn how, but with consistent practice to see what works and what doesn’t, will help guide you to a place where you can believe it. 

So, the next time you show up somewhere, consider how you want to show up. And before you speak, consider how you might feel if someone spoke the same words to you. Do you want to feel respected? I imagine you would. This is a beautiful and mindful practice that can guide you. And with practice, you can get better at it. And when you improve, your results will too. Trust in the lag time. It will happen.

When you finally feel respected by someone else, you just might be surprised to find that it’s because you respected them first that they are able to return the gift. 

Respect is huge in relationships of all types. It should never be underestimated and always honored.