The Pursuit of Perfection

I would never have described myself as a perfectionist, but I found in the years functioning with the combination of trying to make challenging people happy and never feeling good enough, I somehow ended up feeling like I had to strive for perfection. For years, there was a silent default that I was responsible for why things weren’t going well, fix the things that needed attention and that I was the one that was constantly on call when someone needed something. For a long time, most of this gave me a sense of purpose and I’ll admit, sometimes I felt like the hero that always showed up. But, in reality, I was exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically, not to mention that my spiritual life was suffering with no spare time to give to God. At least that’s what I thought before I learned how to set boundaries.

In the quest for perfection, even with the best intentions, our efforts will always be futile if we don’t learn to set boundaries. The lack of boundaries keeps us in a never ending state of pursuit wondering why the goal is not reachable. And when we learn to set boundaries, we often stop chasing after perfection and start prioritizing our peace. And the first person we need to confront to set boundaries with is ourself. What are we allowing in our life that is stretching us too thin and to the point where we are no longer coping well? And how do we set boundaries with other people knowing they may not work because we can’t control what people say or do.

When considering the idea of setting boundaries with others and it terrifies us or induces stress from guilt, we often don’t even try. But, what if we consider another angle here. Instead of setting boundaries with others, we can set them for ourselves. This might look like having a few rules for ourselves that we will follow if others behave a certain way, such as how many times you will say yes to someone or something that demands your attention, or coming up with certain phrases that you will allow yourself to say when someone pushes your buttons. Having a plan and sticking to it, creates a sense of control of your environment and once you get the hang of it, you can modify as you need, as long as you aren’t caving in and spiraling backwards. The modification needs to be purposefully driven. Which means having a goal of something more important, such as peace in your life. 

When you set boundaries for yourself and not others, there is less guilt because it’s you who must behave according to your rules, not them. And if you need to talk with someone about them you aren’t putting them in the spotlight as the guilty party for what’s not working. It can be much easier to say, “I have rules or boundaries for myself”, instead of “You need to follow my rules, or else.” And even though you are setting boundaries for yourself, when you wish others would do it for themselves, you are inadvertently changing how they can impact you, which often changes their behavior. If your rules for yourself keep them from doing something they should stop doing, or encourage them to start doing, then your boundaries have a duel purpose and outcome. Keep in mind that the idea is not to control another person, but to keep them from impacting your life in a negative way. And this idea can be used in every area of your life, from volunteering at your child’s school, to managing the demands of an aging parent.

Our brain is driven to learn and it wants to be good at something. When working in an appropriate manner, striving for perfection can have it’s place. It’s when we put that expectation on ourselves in a way that effects our health when it becomes something we need to be aware of and learn healthy boundaries. I still love creating a beautiful home but, I stopped worrying if I’ve dusted before friends arrive. Learning to focus on the things that matter most to me, such as making my friends feel welcome in my home, instead of what they think of how I keep house, has given me a much more satisfying sense of peace and love in my life. And after years of careful pruning, I no longer have toxic people in my life. One of my rules for myself is that I won’t participate in those types of relationships anymore. I’ll be kind, but I limit my exposure. And the relationships I do have, I treasure them and they make me feel valued in return. 

Perfection is not something to strive for as a title, or how we want others to see us. But, when we set boundaries with the hard and nurture the beautiful, we often find our life feels a little more perfect. And that is something to strive for.

I hope you feel inspired to seek our Heavenly Father and ask Him to show you where you might benefit from setting boundaries for yourself. He is with you and for you and knows how to show you the path to a more peaceful place in your life. And don’t forget to give yourself grace for crossing your own boundaries on occasion as you practice getting the hang of it. 

Stay faithful. Your perfect peace awaits.